Ed Gein? Seriously?

Check this out. I can't make this shit up.

So let me get this straight Chilly - you want me to kill people now?

Granted - everyone from announcers, to sports writers, to ESPN anchors have given me a pass on everything I've done - but I think if I really DO kill someone - I'll get called on it.

On an unrelated note - does anyone know where Ted Thompson's seats are for Monday?

Team Building

So Chilly decides that the "cornerstones" of his offense need to get along better. I'm not sure what his deal was - I think I get along fine with everyone. (That is, as long as everyone knows who's in charge.) So he takes me and "All Day" out for a paintball outing.

Which begs the question - if his name is Adrian Peterson, his initials are A.P., right? So why the hell is his nickname All Day? I mean, MY initials are B.F. - which stands for "Best Footballer." His nickname should be "Allows Points," or something, right?

So, if you know anything about me, it's this. I like to hunt. Birds, deer, squirrels, chipmunks - whatever. Guns? I got 'em. Camo? I got that too. I've got ATV's, 4x4's, 6x6's - you name it - I got it. I have experience in outdoorsy stuff. I figure I'm going to rock this. Maybe I'll go pro. There IS a professional paintball league, isn't there? Readers - please help if you know of something, ok?

We get out in the woods, get suited up, and get matched up with some yahoos from Brooklyn Park. Nice enough guys, but they smelled like asparagus. It was weird.

They start the first round, and we scatter. I head for the tree line, and wait.

I'm sensing movement to the north.
I wait.
I see the tall grass move in an unnatural way.
I wait.

Then, from the tall grass, a figure emerges. I take aim, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, and squeeze the trigger...

I shoot Adrian. (Just another example of someone NOT following the play I call. He was NOT where he was supposed to be.)

He starts crying like Warren Sapp. Seriously. He's laying in the dirt, with these big tears rolling down his cheeks, sobbing like a damn 4 year old.

So Chilly runs over to him, cradles him in his arms, and says, "It's ok Ade - everything is going to be all right."

So I shot Chilly just on principle.

I can't stand whiners and crybabies.

His initials are A.P., right? How about "Always Pussing?"

Chilly

Seems a lot of folks are curious why I refer to Brad Childress as "Chilly."

Some think that I call him that because we have this great relationship, I'm comfortable with him and his staff, yadda yadda yadda...

The reality is this.

Chilly may have the title of Head Coach - and Zygmunt Wilf (More on that name later.) may own the team, but let's be honest - There's no doubt who's in charge in Winter Park.

C'mon - think about it.  Chilly says, "We want you Brett, but you have to come to training camp."

Yeah Right.

Then he's all like, "We still want you Brett - but we need you to work out with the team."

Again - Yeah right.

So then I go, "You know what?  I'm tired.  I'm not 110%.  I'm not sure my heart is in it.  I'm retired.  For good this time.  Seriously.  I mean it."

Everything in Wisconsin is drowned out with the loudest collective exhale you've ever heard.

But wait.  BOHICA, bitches!

I change my mind.  Which isn't necessarily true, as I ALWAYS knew I'd come back.  I just like showing EVERYONE who's in charge.

It's not Chilly.  It's not Wilf.  Shit - it's not even Goddell.  (Who's wife is SMOKING HOT - trust me on that.  Look her up.  Met her back in the day when the Packers played in Milwaukee.  I'm not saying that I hit it - but I'm also not saying that I didn't.)

So anyway NFL, NFC, NFLPA - everyone...  Know your role.  I'm running shit here, just like always.

And I can take THAT to the bank.  (12 million times, in fact.)